Villain Lessons
by elvirakitties
Summary: Harry sends a package
1. Chapter 1

Voldemort looked at the package the white owl had dropped on his head and decided to find a perch on the mantel. The package had bounced off of his head, his shoulder, the arm of the chair, landing on the floor. After casting a lot of detection spells at the package, he had placed it on his desk. He slowly opened it and found a kitten staring up at him. The kitten was solid black with yellow eyes. There was a note attached.

 _Dear Voldie:_

 _I know it's a little late, but since I didn't know your birth date until two weeks ago and then I had to find the perfect Villain Starter Kit accessory. After all it has to be done correctly._

 _Now, since I wasn't sure what you had already I decided to gift you with the complete kit._

 _ **Kitten-check**_

 _ **Lair**_

 _Now, you will also find a deed to some land. I have enclosed the address for you. It's under a Fidelius Charm and as you can see the address is written in Parseltongue. I'm your lovely secret keeper._

 _ **Minions**_

 _You really need some new ones, the ones you have are idiots with the exception of a few like Lucy and Sevvie._

 _ **Cool toys**_

 _The twins are master minds at creating some wonderful things. You will find a small sample enclosed._

Voldemort noticed there was a pouch by the now purring kitten. He picked up the pouch and found a variety of potion phials. Each had a small description on what they did written on the tag.

 _Now, this is optional, but a lot of villains have scars, no idea why, but they do. So Hedwig, my owl, should have dropped another package for you._

Voldemort didn't see another package. "Well?"

Hedwig hooted at him and using her foot pointed to the left of his desk. He peeked over the side of his desk and saw another package. After casting several spells he slowly opened it and found muggle makeup and an instruction book on how to make scars. He picked up the book and saw cell phone under book. He opened it and Harry's name and number programmed into the phone.

 _ **Flunkie**_

 _You have Pettigrew for that, so figured unless you want a different one, you were set on that._

 _ **Information-** Call me_.

Voldemort put the phone down and got an angry hoot from Hedwig. "You aren't going to leave until I call?" Hedwig bobbed her head up and down. He called Harry Potter.


	2. Chapter 2

Harry: Voldie

Voldemort: Must you call me that.

Harry: Better than Tommy.

Voldemort: Fine, Harrison. I got your packages. What information?

Harry: There are a few interesting pieces of information you might be interested in. However, I don't believe you will take my word. The prophecy, have Blondie get it.

Voldemort, in a voice that he used for idiots (well everyone in reality): No one but one of us can retrieve it.

Harry: Have Blondie get it. If he does, you owe me something big. If he can't, I will get it.

Voldemort was about to reply when the line went dead, and the blasted owl took off. "Wormtail!"

Voldemort was staring at the orb that Lucius brought him, he picked up the cell phone.

Harry: Told you. Now that you realize it's fake, let's move forward.

Voldemort: What favor?

Harry: I will get to that soon. Now, the next piece of information you will find interesting is that you have more power than you believe. Get every single Death Eater, and you, of course, tested at Gringotts, not just an Inheritance Test, but do a Magical Transference Test. You might find some very interesting result that our dear old coot has been hiding.

Voldemort: What does that test do?

Harry: That would be spoiling the fun. However, if the information gets you control over the Wizengamot, let's just say you owe me a bigger favor.

The phone went dead.

Voldemort stared at the phone, the brat had been right again. He picked up the phone and made another call. Voldemort: You knew.

Harry: When will the information be released?

Voldemort: Tomorrow. We were able to reclaim a majority of lost seats and vaults. We got possession of the several squib vaults and seats everyone thought deceased. Some of the lines were deceased, but the Magical Transference Test allowed a merge into other magical lines. We were also able to gain magical guardianship over a lot of the Muggle-born in Hogwarts, ousting Dumbledore from controlling his students' seats and vaults. The man didn't even tell his former charges about the seats and vaults. The goblins agreed to release it to the Ministry.

Harry: Good, protect those kids from Dumbledore.

Voldemort: That is our goal.

Harry: Get Blondie to look into the accounts of Hogwarts, compare them to the contracts on file. You will be able to get real Professors in there and get classes returned. You will find only a few key Professor will be able to remain. Allowing you to get neutral and darker leaning people in. If Blondie goes for removing him, the Board won't back him, not yet.

Voldemort: I agree. They wouldn't.

Harry: Use the kit, get back into Wizengamot. He will be focused on outing you from Wizengamot and people will wonder about how senile he is.

Voldemort: I am already attending the opening session.

Harry: When you do attend, get rid of Umbridge. Talk to your new wards, some have scars on their hands, they will tell you the how and why. It will make the Ministry look very bad.

The phone went dead.

Voldemort looked at the phone, it was ringing.

Harry: Congratulations.

Voldemort: Thank you.

Harry: To add more dirt onto Dumbledore, look into Sirius Black's Trial. Have Blondie and you submit the findings to Wizengamot, Madam Bones will be a great supporter.

The phone went dead.

The crazy white owl was back, dropped another package on his head. "You do that again, and I will be eating roasted owl for dinner."

Hedwig, being who she was, didn't take to well to the threat and pooped on Voldemort's head and flew out the window, avoiding the spells being fired at her.

Voldemort cast a few detection charms on the package. He opened it. He found memory phials in the box. Each phial contained a short tag: Before Hogwarts, 1st-year, 2nd-year, 3rd-year. Voldemort saw all of Potter's years were there. He had heard from Severus about some of the years, but Severus and other sources all stated the same thing, that Dumbledore never revealed what occurred each year. Voldemort smirked, got out his pensive and watched.

Several hours later:

Voldemort was a bit of shock. He thought he had it rough, but Harry Potter made his life seem like a cushy walk in the park. The batty owl flew back in, dropping a small scroll. He opened it up. It read: Use them well. They will bury Dumbledore. If they do, you owe me a really big favor.

Voldemort was happy. He had finally got rid of Dumbledore. The Ministry was now under his control as Lucius was now the Minister of Magic, and he was going to become Headmaster of Hogwarts. He heard the phone ring.

Harry: I'm calling in my favor.

Voldemort wasn't sure if he wanted to give in to the boy but based on what he had been able to do to Dumbledore. Voldemort: What?

Harry: I want Severus Snape. You are to remove his mark.

Voldemort: No. He is my Potion Master

Harry: I sent you the beginner kit, imagine what I can do with the expert kit.

Voldemort:

Harry:

Voldemort:

Hedwig: Hoot.

Voldemort: Damn bird. I am going to roast you.

Harry: Well?

Voldemort: Fine. I still want to be able to commission him to make my potions.

Harry:

Voldemort: Well?

Harry: Fine, but no discount. I expect the mark to be removed today. He isn't to be hurt at all. You will make sure he gets to Gringotts safely.

Voldemort: Fine.

Harry kicked back on the beach. "Told you it would work."

"Yes, you did, Brat." Severus picked up his potion journal. "Villain Start Kit." He actually didn't think the boy's crazy ideas would work. Nor did he expect Voldemort to fall for it. Harry had shown him the Muggle movies about villains, but he honestly didn't think it would work. "You know, we could turn the whole thing into a bunch of books."

Harry sat up. "You think so?"

"Yes, remember that woman we met? At the cafe? Rawlins, Rawking, something. Anyway, why not speak to her?"

"Might be funny. Can you see his face when someone shows him the book?"


End file.
